If it makes you feel better
by Witherwolf
Summary: Neji's death reaches Shikamaru normally. It is reported as just another casualty of war, a random shinobi stopping by and casually informing him about it before being hassled away as if the news he carries is not important.


Neji's death reaches Shikamaru normally. It is reported as just another casualty of war, a random shinobi stopping by and casually informing him about it before being hassled away as if the news he carries is not important. No one seems to care that it was the prodigy of the Hyuuga clan who had died. No one seems to care that it was one of Konoha11 who had died. No one seems to care that Shikamaru might actually care.

But he doesn't show it. He nods, shows people that he accepts the fact that Hyuuga Neji is dead. Shikaku shows more concern than the rest of them and is probably genuinely concerned but Shikamaru brushes him off with a curt "I'm fine" and goes about doing other more pressing stuff. There is no time to mourn for a single death during war times.

Nobody talks about the death. It is as if it didn't exist. Nobody talks about Neji either. It is as if _he_ didn't exist. Somewhere, Shikamaru likes to think, the Hyuugas are mourning of the loss of the most brilliant member of their clan but even the sentimental side of him thinks that is a bit too much to ask. Who cares about a branch family member?

He almost starts laughing. Maybe they would have thrown a funeral if Hinata had been the one who had passed on. After all, she is the heiress, no matter how much he thinks – thought - that Neji would have made a far better one. The finest Konoha has ever seen. Maybe that was why Neji protected her. Nothing should get in the way of the progression of a war. A funeral will be too disruptive. Shikamaru will feel guilty later on, especially after he sees Hinata, but right now he can care less.

Ino has somehow manages to find him amidst all the chaos and mess and questions whether he's okay. He says that he is but she wouldn't let him off so easily. He reminds her that there is a war on-going and that her focus should be there instead of on him.

"I know you care about him more than you would like to admit," Ino simply says and stalks off because despite everything, Shikamaru was right.

-X-

"_If I died, that would be the first decision that I made of my own free will," Neji said._

_Shikamaru cracked an eye open and Neji's form came into view. The older shinobi was facing the river before them and all Shikamaru could see was his rigid back and straight posture, the picture of discipline. He opened both eyes and watched the clouds instead. It was a cloudy day and the sun was conveniently covered by a sleeve of it so that its glare was mollified but still bright enough that it was considered a fine day. _

"_I'm sure you made plenty of choices that were your own," Shikamaru muttered, closing his eyes._

-X-

Neji never replied that day and despite wanting to know what the Hyuuga was thinking, Shikamaru was never one to pry. It was troublesome, or so he would have said. The image of the sky and clouds of that day are imprinted on the back of his eyelids and when he closes his eyes, sometimes he will still see them.

He wonders if that was what Neji really thought during his last moments in this world, and wherever he was, Shikamaru finds himself fervently hoping like he has never hoped before that Neji is free there at least.

Hinata comes by a few days later looking the worst Shikamaru has ever seen her. Funny. Shikamaru doesn't feel the least bit guilty for what he had thought. The war has taken its toll on everybody but instead of the sufferings of the war which grips onto her heart, it was a grief so like his own that he almost runs away because he couldn't bear looking at her for a second longer than needed. But he stays. She's the fragile one. He fancies himself fine.

She doesn't say much, just tells him Neji's last words.

Shikamaru wonders why she bothers to tell him of all people. Maybe she does tell other people. Maybe she does because telling people what Neji said makes her feel that maybe Neji is still here. Still, Shikamaru likes to think that Neji might have mentioned him enough times to the younger Hyuuga so that she knows that he is special to Neji and Neji to him.

"_Father, I finally understand your feelings… the freedom you felt when you chose to die to protect your friends…"_

Shikamaru doesn't know whether to laugh or cry and despite leaning more towards the urge to laugh he does neither in the end because neither feels appropriate. It is not because Neji was dead and he feels that he shouldn't be mocking the other. It is because he thinks that maybe Neji sincerely felt happy at that moment, and he wouldn't laugh at Neji's happiness, not when he himself wishes – wished - for that more than anybody.

-X-

"_I thought you died."_

_Shikamaru peered closely at the figure and confirmed that it was indeed Neji who was there waiting at the entrance of Konoha. There was no one else around so Shikamaru figured that Neji was the only one on guard duty that night. _

"_That's a nice way to say 'welcome back'," Shikamaru croaked, feeling the pain plummeting him with every breath he took. His voice was barely audible but in the dead silence of the night it was at least loud enough to reach Neji. _

_He missed a step and expected to taste the soil but Neji's grip was strong and comforting around his arm. _

"_You're three days late," Neji said simply and gently pulled at the Nara so that he could get his footing back. Shikamaru groaned, feeling the pain more acute than ever but pushing on anyway. He was not so weak that he couldn't even last the way to the hospital, thought Neji's assistance was more than a great help. _

"_I was ambushed unexpectedly," Shikamaru explained, too exhausted and beaten to go into the details. Neji didn't press for more either._

_The next time he woke up he was in the hospital. Sakura kindly informed him that he had been out of commission for the last three days or so and that he owed it all to her for taking care of him during that time. Shikamaru said that she was troublesome which earned him a smack which was delivered too harshly to a patient. _

_Neji never visited once when he was staying at the hospital (at least two weeks) and all he could think about was whether he actually made it to the hospital on his own._

-X-

Shikamaru doesn't dream much and when he does he usually dismiss them as insignificant because he never remembers them anyway. It has been so long since he last dreamt that he thinks that he has completely lost that ability when it happens.

"I thought you died," he tells Neji.

Neji doesn't say anything. He just stands there, right in front of Shikamaru and yet so seemingly far with a ghost of a smile upon his lips.

Before Shikamaru can say anything, the scene disappears in a whirl of mist and he wakes up only to find out that he has slept the entire night away and even right into the morning. A medical-nin informs him civilly that he has been asleep for far longer than he should have been.

"Troublesome."

The medical-nin becomes more annoyed of course and storms off without another word. Shikamaru can see Shikaku staring at him in concern out of the corner of his eye but he ignores it. He doesn't want to associate too much with this world when the dream is still so fresh in his mind. He can almost feel Neji and he doesn't want anything to destroy that. He's sure that he will destroy the person who did.

Said person turns out to be a bunch of people who decides to attack them. Shikamaru never killed more viciously that day. Thankfully, everyone was too engrossed in their battles to realise that. Shikaku might have though he doesn't say anything.

No one died during that battle and everyone is happy and all smiles, patting one another on the back and just being grateful for being alive. Amidst the living flesh, Shikamaru can only see Neji smiling.

-X-

Shikamaru has been visiting his past, specifically his past with Neji, so much lately that he cannot even tell the difference between realities and illusions anymore. He goes through each day seeing Neji more than should be possible, because he shouldn't be seeing Neji at all. But he does and he knows that it isn't a ghost because this Neji doesn't talk at all and he isn't even like a hologram. He's air; there and not there. Shikamaru sees him but doesn't even know if he can feel him.

Sometimes he thinks that that isn't even Neji; just someone who looks terrifyingly like Neji, because this Neji smiles all the time. It's only a ghost of a smile, the typical one Neji gives when he actually does, but Neji doesn't smile so much and Neji never smiles when there were other people around. He only smiles when only Shikamaru's around and when he knows, more than anything, that it is safe to be just that bit happy.

Shikamaru decides that he needs to stop visiting his past with Neji before he starts losing control of his mind.

But his past refuses to let him go, always dragging him in deeper and deeper into that black sea of memories, too sweet that they are torturous and too recent to seem like memories. Shikamaru thinks that he is losing sense of time. But the war is still happening.

-X-

"_I think my father is stupid," Neji confessed one day._

_Shikamaru, as usual, was lying on the ground with his attention all on the sky above. He shifted a bit as he sat up and leaned on his elbows. Neji's back was to him once more as the older shinobi stared out at a bunch of birds perched on a nearby tree._

"_Why?"_

"_Despite everything, don't you think life is beautiful?" Neji asked, eyes still trained on the birds. His voice was moderated as always but there a tinge of amazement in his voice which Shikamaru had learned to pick out over the years. _

"_It's troublesome," Shikamaru replied eventually and he wasn't going to say any more but there was something about the serenity of the place that made him think he could say anything and not be punished. "Don't you think that freedom is more beautiful though?"_

_Shikamaru expected Neji to tense but the Hyuuga didn't even move an inch. _

"_I think life's the most beautiful," Neji said in the end with a note of finality as the birds spread their wings and took to the wide sky. _

_Shikamaru thought that Neji made life beautiful but even in the sweet tranquillity some things were better left unsaid._

_-X-_

"You're not okay, you're far from okay," Chouji says worriedly as he stares at Shikamaru's face. There is nothing externally wrong with Shikamaru and no one can sense that anything is wrong either but there are the small habits which are present that only a best friend like Chouji can pick out and instantly know that Shikamaru isn't well.

"I'm fine," Shikamaru says and attempts to walk away but is stopped by Chouji's hand wrapped around his arm. He tenses.

"That just tells me that you aren't," Chouji says softly and Shikamaru feels the tension draining from him slowly. "If you're really fine, you wouldn't walk away. You wouldn't try to shut people out."

"I need to be alone, Chouji," Shikamaru tells him in the end. There isn't a point in lying to someone who isn't going to be fooled.

He sees the hesitance in Chouji's eyes but his best friend eventually lets go thought albeit unwillingly and leaves him to his own musings. Shikamaru knows that he is causing Chouji and even Ino more anguish than is worth but he can't stop his own feelings even if he tries and right now he isn't even trying.

-X-

_Neji was late that day. Shikamaru would be lying if he said he wasn't worried because the Hyuuga was never late. _

"_You're late," Shikamaru accused when he heard the rustling of the leaves._

"_I had things to do," Neji replied tersely and that was all the hint Shikamaru needed to know that the 'things' weren't pleasant and that they had left Neji in quite a foul mood which was unusual. It was hard to say the least to rile the Hyuuga up and in the years Shikamaru had been associating with the older one, he had nailed it down to one main thing. His family._

"_What did they do this time?"_

_Neji shot him a warning look but he ignored it. Neji wasn't particularly open with his feelings after all. If he wanted to tell, he would. If he didn't, Shikamaru would pry if he wanted to die._

"_They used the curse seal on me," Neji said calmly though Shikamaru could feel the rage rolling off him in waves. _

"_And?"_

"_And Hinata-sama stopped them."_

_Shikamaru knew that it was time to stop asking. He stood up and walked over to place a hand on Neji's shoulder. The Hyuuga was so engrossed in his anger that he hadn't noticed that the Nara had gotten up and jumped a little when he felt the hand resting on his shoulder. Shikamaru just smiled, because somehow along the way, Neji had started letting his guard down around him, and now he knew that Shikamaru knew because he was glaring at him._

"_If it makes you feel better," Shikamaru said with a lopsided grin. "I want to kill them."_

_Neji smiled genuinely that day and it was the first time Shikamaru had seen such a beautiful smile. He almost wanted to actually kill a Hyuuga member just to keep that smile on Neji's face._

_-X- _

Shikamaru's smart and it is soon that he figures out why he hasn't been able to even let go, not to mention move on. It's pure regret. He regrets that he hadn't been there when Neji died, that he hadn't seen Neji alive for the last time, that he hadn't known what Neji wanted to say to him, that he doesn't even know if Neji even thought of him. He regrets so many things that he's been visiting his memories just to find a clue as to what Neji actually thought on his deathbed.

More than anything, Shikamaru really wants to see Neji now. The real one. The dead one. Not the one his imagination had been supplying him with for days. Even if his Neji was just a body right now, he still wants to see his face one more time. He knows it's irrational and his sense berates him strongly for it, but he thinks that if he sees Neji's face once more, he will know what his other was thinking at the time of his death.

He makes it his mission to do that. The body is definitely being kept somewhere safe because he knows that Hiashi does, despite family rules and regulations and prejudices and what not, love Neji like his own son.

All he has to do is to go find the body which is really easier said than done. There is no way anyone will allow him to leave this area and move about when it's so dangerous out there. But he's determined, and he knows that he can't do it alone. So he calls Chouji and Ino and asks them for help.

They arrive soon enough with Hinata and Naruto. Shikamaru feels an illogical sense of rage towards the last two, because his emotions keep telling him that the two of them caused Neji's death. But he is still sensible enough than to let his wild emotions take reign.

Hinata is a lot of help because she knows exactly where Neji's body is being kept and Naruto is helpful too because who else can attract as much attention as him? Shikamaru devices a plan and they follow. Things will go well.

-X-

"_Have you ever thought about marriage?" Shikamaru asked one day out of the blue. He personally hadn't but his mother had been bothering him about it recently and he needed to get it out of his system. He would complain to Chouji but this was something even Chouji wouldn't understand._

"_Is that an indirect dig at me?" Neji asked. He had long ago declared that he would never marry and never be responsible for the misery of a child so innocent. Shikamaru had sense some resentment towards his father there but had been wise enough not to mention it._

"_No," Shikamaru replied in a bored tone. Despite how cold Neji sounded when he asked that, there was a hint of a smirk which Shikamaru could feel and thus would not fall for._

"_I don't think about unnecessary stuff," Neji replied eventually. _

_Shikamaru's eyes drifted to Neji, or rather Neji's back. They were always in this position: Shikamaru on his back, eyes watching the clouds lazily float by while Neji always stood facing the river with his back towards Shikamaru. _

"_I'm glad we concur on that," Shikamaru said nonchalantly. _

"_I do, however," Neji started and it was a while before he continued. Shikamaru didn't mind the wait. He was generally patient and waiting for Neji was never troublesome._

"… _think about stuff akin to marriage."_

"_Meaning?" Shikamaru asked with a slight smirk upon his face. The teasing tone was apparent in his voice as well and Neji obviously picked up on that because his shoulders were now tensed. Shikamaru's attention was all on Neji now._

"_Meaning sometimes I think I would like to spend my life with you," Neji replied curtly. Shikamaru couldn't see his face but he was sure that there was a faint blush._

"_If it makes you feel better, I would like to spend my life with you."_

_Neji didn't have to turn around or say anything to let Shikamaru know that he concurred._

_-X-_

Naruto shouts that he has heard some intelligence from the enemy and demands that Shikamaru go and check it out because he is the commander after all, proxy or not. Hinata volunteers to go because her Byakugan will be most useful. No one argues and everyone gathers to discuss. Ino is somewhere in the mind of an enemy and will inform them if an actual battle will occur. Chouji and the rest – remaining –of Konoha11 keep watch over Ino's body and will intercept the first wave of attack if it happens. They're strong enough, strengthened and united by a deep sense of hatred.

Shikamaru and Hinata set off. Shikamaru feels more alive than he has in weeks and Hinata looks the most determined he has ever seen her. Maybe she thinks that this was all that she can do for Neji in the end.

"Does Neji talk about me?" Shikamaru asks, figuring that this will be the last time Neji will be mentioned out loud anyway.

Hinata looks thrown off for a moment and even looks as if she is about to cry but then some mysterious force within her makes her pull herself together and she manages a nod before she says, "he talks about you."

That is really all Shikamaru needs to know. The content is hardly important. Neji talks to him the most after all. The only thing Neji doesn't talk to him about is him and he knows himself well enough. Neji talks about him. That much is – was –enough.

-X-

_Shikamaru didn't know when this meeting between them started. All he knows is that somehow it just started and neither wanted it to stop. If someone were to ask him to pinpoint a rough time when it started, it would be slightly after the failed retrieval mission of Sasuke. Why? Shikamaru didn't know. Things just happened and Shikamaru, while a realist, knows better than to meddle with the natural forces of fate and destiny no matter how critical he is of them._

"_I think this is the happiest I've ever been," Neji said suddenly. Shikamaru looked at him as usual whenever he spoke._

"_If it makes you feel better, this is the happiest I've ever been."_

_-X-_

Hinata stands guard outside in case some bothersome Hyuuga member decides to come pay their respect to Neji. Shikamaru stands in the room and is unable to do more. He knows that he doesn't have time but he cannot bring himself to move. This is the time for closure and he knows that better than anyone because it was he who suggested this in the first place, but now that it has come down to this, he realises that he doesn't really want closure. He's scared of closure. He's so scared of letting Neji go.

But he doesn't get a choice and he reminds himself this as he moves towards the casket where the body is. He moves quickly and without thinking. Thoughts will only hold him back.

His breath is caught in his throat when he sees Neji's body. Neji looks dead. Neji is dead. He doesn't understand how people can say that a dead person looks as if they're sleeping. Neji is so obviously dead that he almost laughs for being afraid to come to terms with it. Maybe it's because he has seen Neji sleep so many times before that he knows that Neji doesn't look that peaceful in his sleep but regardless, this Neji looks dead, is dead.

He steps closer and holds Neji's hand in his and is enveloped in light.

-X-

"_I'd be dead before I say I love you," Neji stated definitely._

"_If it makes you feel better, you'd be dead before I say I love you too."_

_This was different from the usual pattern so Neji turned around to glare at him. At the moment Neji caught his eyes, he said, "I love you."_

_-X-_

Shikamaru stares because Neji is in front of him. The ghost of a smile still plays upon his lips but it's more genuine than the one he has been seeing.

"Neji," he greets casually.

"I'm a hologram, I'm dead, you know that," Neji says without letting Shikamaru agree. He has always been the more logical one after all, even if Shikamaru is usually also very logical, and even in death it seems that he is still the one with the most sense.

"I need closure," Shikamaru says simply.

"I know," Neji says in reply. "That's why I made this."

"You wouldn't have known that I would come to you," Shikamaru accuses but Neji just laughs.

"Apparently I did."

"Apparently," Shikamaru agrees.

There's a moment of silence and Shikamaru wonders if the genjutsu has already worn off and it is only his memory supplying the image of Neji still before him.

"I love you," Neji says finally with a smile. "And I did think of you in my last moments and I did regret not seeing you one last time but I think this makes up for that, at least for you."

"If it makes you feel better, this makes up for it."

Shikamaru smiles.

And Neji was really gone.

* * *

Despite writing that, I still have issues letting go! _

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this and managed to find some form of closure for Neji's death. I'm still working on mine. /shot D: Good luck to all Neji lovers out there too! I feel with you.

To my readers of Kismet (if you have read this), please forgive me! I promise I'll update Kismet later! The death of Neji finally struck me really hard today and I needed to convert my grief into words before it eats me. _


End file.
